Emptiness is an easy emotion.
I thought of this month, last month, as the month of getting over, letting go, starting over, BECOMING.
*ššššš*
I mean, sadder but— I honestly wouldn’t have pinned this month to be a downer. We are 6 days into the month and I lost my mojo day one.
It’s like every time I pray and I hope and it comes time for God to do his part, he just laughs at my face and pours on me all the things he knows I’m not fully equipped to handle.
I’ve been unable to turn this discomfort into tears, so I’ve been unable to wash it out, so I’m feeling it š, all of it. But the painful part is, I don’t even know why I’m feeling this way.
I mean I know God won’t give us more than we can handle, but I just feel like he’s dragging me through— something, maybe he wants me to see something and the longer I take to see the thing, the longer he will take to get me out of here. If only he will just —tell me.
I tried opening up to someone on Sunday about an issue that was weighing on me, a part of me kind of expected the response but I wasn’t prepared for the response.
You see the thing about people who are not emotional strong, is that, everyone around is also emotional damaged. But you see the thing about this other people, is that they take that damage and throw it right at our faces.
Everyone has got a baggage. And to be clear, no one’s baggage is heavier than the next person. Just because you went through something and got out, doesn’t mean I’ll go through same thing and come out. Understand?
We are living in a time where Life stories have become a competition to most people. na me suffer pass.
People are aware of mental health struggles. I prefer to call it Emotional Health. But the stuff about the awareness, is that people don’t give a damn. It has just become another channel to pour out more aggression.
*deep breath*
My emotional health has been shitty this week and I’m terrified that it might be the beginning.
side note: I’ve had panic attack twice this week. My anxiety has skyrocketed. My emptiness has deepened, honestly don’t even know how that’s possible. I am depressed out of my mind. I have an unsettling burn in my chest. My eyes are blurry.
But there’s one thing I’m not loosing. Hope.
I mean people have died. I’m alive. That counts for something.
I say this prayer most mornings:
God you got me to see another day. Thank you. It’s clear to me that I have a purpose and your plan for me, is not to leave this earth without achieving all and more. Thank you.
Why Bother 