On my search, of what it means to be a spoken word poet, I listened to a performance by Nayo Jones, titled ‘HEALING’.
You can listen to it on YouTube. But for the length of this post, I will share snippets.
When the content of this post came to mind, it was due to erm, a confrontation, first from my aunty then from my mum. The confrontation wasn’t brutal or harmful.
It was a confrontation, that pushed me into confronting myself, in the sense that, I had to tell myself the truth.
The ideology, that a woman or a girl child, will inevitably have issues in her relationship with the opposite sex, due to her relationship with her father, is— is not far fetched. Meaning, I understand why that is.
(Nayo Jones ‘healing’)- Loving You Is Taking All The Love – I Can Never Give Myself – And Putting It To Good Use.
Personally, I don’t believe I will ever have a hunchback on the matters of relationship or marriage, if ever a road leads us there. But, I do see traits.
With my relationship with everybody, male, female, romantic relationship or just friendship, I do have an issue with connection or holding on to a connection.
Erm, so does that mean, that I’m still wounded from my father’s absence? I don’t think so, I believe that when you get to a certain age, you have to take responsibility and be accountable of every emotion, you give room to speak out.
Lately, I haven’t felt much in terms of emotion…
(Nayo Jones ‘healing’)- I have died so many times … when I tell you – that loving you – almost makes me forget how much I hate myself – it is not poetry.
… I haven’t reacted right to certain situations, or given an accurate reaction to an action towards me.
But I’ve been honest with myself enough to trace and cover up the wounds that are most, definitely present.
I will always be a wounded woman. I will always have this scars. But there’s a strength that comes with that presence.
I am choosing to harness from that. I am choosing to take what it has given me.
(Nayo Jones “healing”) – when I started writing – I smeared my blood on every page – to remind myself that everything beautiful – has a consequence.
Feeling alone is sure, it is a thing that comes, it’s supposed to come. It’s like a wind that blows, carrying up dust with it but just like the wind, it will pass. Like, the saying ‘feeling alone does not mean you’re lonely. ‘
I do want to have friends. I do want a boyfriend. I do want to get rid of the fear of them leaving and just enjoying their presence in my present.
But also, I can not not see it as my brains way of protecting me from further harm.
Before rap up ×××
(Nayo Jones ‘Healing’) – Self love does not always come first or second or even ever – But your love… be the body that carries my collapsed frame into bed.
It’s not an issue, until we make it an issue. If you are to do the math, a large number of the world population or let’s just level it down to Nigeria. A large number of the population come from broken homes. So, if we really – really – really want to go there, then there will be no relationship.
But healing comes with terms, you have to make the terms of your healing, for your healing to go through.
I will always be a woman of wounds, that doesn’t have to be so, but it is what it is and I’m floating on that.
I’m not damaged.
I’m not broken.
I don’t even feel wronged, because it is what it is (haha)
I’m learning to be calm. I’m learning that relationships will be built. Just the timing of it, is what I’m oblivious of. But I’m not going to hurry myself. No one should hurry themselves.
Why Bother 