I can feel the bones of my exhaustion

Sometimes I don’t care, not because I don’t care, but because I don’t – want – to – care. Being as sensitive as I am, I am very easily triggered. I am prone to uneven anger, hasty decisions, lose of connection.

I do not take heed to how fast I press the block button. I get bored. Bitter. Irritated. Left out. Angry.

And now, I admit – it has had it effect on my social life. I could try twice as hard, but holding on to a relationship just seems impossible to me.

One of my concerns when it comes to connecting with people is actually connecting with people. I feel that people are foul and I have to be foul in order not to be defiled.

I remember there was a conversation I was having with -with an acquaintance, I can’t remember what the conversation was about, but I remember saying,  “damn, I thought I had trust issues but I guess my trust issues aren’t as strong as I thought.”

He laughed and I laughed, but it struck me. My issues go way beyond – I don’t know – psychological terms for them.

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You see, there are like two or three people that I am comfortable with, but you see these two or three people that I’m “comfortable” with, there is this – sprinkle of fear that the connection I feel, or that I think I have with them is false.

I constantly look at anyone who dares to come into my Life as suspicious, because it’s like — it just feels like a pretense.

Like, you’re here and I see that you’re here, but let’s be honest, you want to be somewhere else. But it’s not that I’m doubting your genuineness — It’s that i’m doubting my genuineness.

I’ve been told not on one occasion or two occasions, that I suck at relationships, that I suck at keeping in contact. I’ve also been told that I’m bad- I’m just -I’m just bad, so bad. (Haha)

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One time my mum said that I hated humans,

and it’s not that I hate humans, but I took a while to reason the stuff and I was like, “bro this makes sense.”

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate humans -erm- I just don’t see the “how” of growing in each other. This whole, make friends, keep friends, be open minded, “understand that not everyone comes into your life to stay… ” just feels like a lot of shit droppings.

Like if you were going to leave at some point then why bother? You get?

Anyhoo, I am just at the point of fuck everyone and everybody should just get out.

Thanks for reading.

Till next post. Please stay safe.